Revenge of the citizens: Let’s text the candidates back, asking them for money

I have been scolded by Hakeem Jeffries, with him saying, “I asked once. I asked twice. I asked a third time. I’m asking again today.”

And from the man who has access to the nuclear codes, I got a message, “My phone’s battery is on 5 percent, so this has to be quick. I sent you an invitation to my Inner Circle, but I haven’t heard back. I want you to advise me! Your final deadline to accept is in 15 minutes.”

And another one from Trump: “Wake up… ALL HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE! Will you do one final favor for me before it’s too late? If you help me out RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, I’ll have my team add your name to my Inner Circle Roster, where you can begin advising me on what my top priorities should be.”

J.D. Vance, Ted Cruz, Chuck Schumer, Bernie Sanders, Jim Jordan, Kamala Harris and dozens of others respect me, want my opinion, are making sure I’m the first to know, think I’m essential and — oh, yeah, by the way — want money. The Vaccine Advisory Board chastised me with “Are you getting my texts? You still haven’t responded. I’m reaching out … one last time.” Even the mayor of Chicago thinks I want to support him.

Pols, PACs and special interest groups on both sides clog my email accounts and blow up my phone with pleas and dire threats. The threat is that the country will be ruined unless I immediately send them money. And more money. And more money.

I hit Stop and Block Spam, to no avail. Jeffries, for example, has sent me pleas from six different phone numbers. I have gotten as many as 10 texts and eight emails in one day.

After giving to one politician and then seeing an upsurge, I wrote to her saying I would give again only if I was guaranteed my name would not be shared. She did not respond.

I must question whether this is truly an effective way to raise money, at the cost of alienating voters who might have otherwise been supportive. As opposed to the shrill, flattering ones like this from Michael Whatley: “Who are the battle-tested patriots in our corner who will give me the unvarnished truth about what they are seeing on the ground? Your name was at the very top of the ledger.”

Well, I had no idea! But then there are the flagrantly manipulative ones like, “Do you want Donald Trump’s face on your money? Please complete the poll or be marked yes.”

I know I am not the only one and propose a major pushback: Every time you get a text or email from a politician or political group asking for money, write them back, asking for money.

“Hello Fellow Patriot,” I might write. “I am several thousand dollars short of my first of the month funding deadline. I know you care about me since you have written to me so many times. Would you be willing to send me a few hundred dollars to push me on to victory over debt?

Or, “Dear Concerned Citizen: My landlord has raised my rent, the cost of fuel is soaring, and a trip to the grocery store tests my credit card balance. Can you help me with this dire financial crisis? As an elected official, I know you have access to more funding than I do. Send as much as you can, but any amount is appreciated.”

Or how about: “Greetings Respected American. This is not a request for money, as I am sure you get too many of those. I’m just looking for your opinion on issues impacting our country today. Do you feel our country is headed in the right direction? I didn’t think so. Are you willing to contribute as little as $100 to help get us back on track?”:

For all of these messages, or whatever ones you come up with, be sure to include your Zelle, Venmo or Paypal information. I suspect you won’t get a cent back, but maybe we can be as annoying to them as they are to us.

And we might even turn it into a group effort. Alas, I know the name “Citizens United” has already been taken.

Mark Schorr is the author of a dozen novels. Many decades ago, he served as the press spokesperson for a New York State assemblyman who was subsequently convicted of fraud and sent to prison.