Have You Experienced “Raise Shaming”? Here’s What It Can Look Like at Work

When Emma, a project coordinator in Atlanta, found herself tasked with the responsibilities of her boss's job without any of the titles, recognition, or pay that came with it, she started preparing for her next salary negotiation. "I put together this whole proposal comparing market trends, the benefits I've given to the company since I joined, and the points I wanted to make to the director," she said, recounting best negotiation practices she'd learned from years of women in the workplace lunch-and-learns, best-selling business books, and Instagram motivation to 'just ask for more' and 'charge your worth'.

So when the director of her division responded by reminding Emma that she'd already agreed to a $43,000 annual salary when she accepted the job a year earlier, and suggested Emma move back in with her parents or get a second job if she needed to earn more money, she was shocked. "They made this one comment, 'It's like you're asking us to buy you a Louis Vuitton bag,' as if I was asking the company to pay for my life of luxury," said Emma. "I just wanted to be able to afford a dingy 700-square-foot apartment," she added. But her director doubled down: Shouldn't she just be happy with what she already had?

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Why Asking for More Can Come With Backlash

This pattern came up in dozens of interviews I conducted with women about their negotiation experiences—raise shaming: Women who spoke up, asked for more, and asserted their value only to be chastised, shamed, or even punished for doing so:

"We're not sure we want someone so money-motivated."

"You're asking for more money? We're a startup."

"It seems like this isn't a good fit for you and good luck finding something else."

For decades, popular career advice for women has rested on the assumption that gender pay gaps, promotion gaps, and leadership gaps were driven by women not negotiating enough. For women like Emma, who grew up on this advice only to find themselves judged, ridiculed, and penalized for asking for 'too much,' the experience can be disorienting, even demoralizing. "I was kind of shell-shocked. I was not expecting to be treated that way," said Emma. "It just made me feel completely devalued."

"Traditional [negotiation] advice assumes that the same words delivered the same way will be received the same way from everyone, and that's not the case," says Damali Peterman, attorney, negotiation expert, and author of Be Who You Are to Get What You Want. "A woman displaying the same behavior as a man could be described as aggressive, demanding, or difficult. A man doing the exact same thing can be described as confident, decisive, or leadership material," she says, pointing to a gendered double standard that not only leads to different perceptions but also to different outcomes.

"A woman displaying the same behavior as a man could be described as aggressive, demanding, or difficult. A man doing the exact same thing can be described as confident, decisive, or leadership material."

Damali Peterman, attorney, negotiation expert, and author

Researchers consistently find that when women express the assertiveness and ambition necessary to be seen as competent or to advance at work, they're not only perceived as less likable than their male peers, they're also perceived as less hireable . When women ask for more, they're not only more likely to be labeled aggressive and demanding, they're more likely than their male counterparts to experience penalties as a result. I interviewed women who were sidelined from future advancement or excluded from existing opportunities; some who even had job offers rescinded after asking for more.

"I think that we as a society have to stop pretending that the only thing that's standing between women and equitable compensation is a willingness to ask," says Peterman. Indeed, more recent research has revealed that women in the U.S. have been as likely to ask for raises and promotions as their male peers for decades , but the judgment levied against women who ask leaves them far less likely to get what they want when they do.

"When I started negotiating my salary, it was very clear that many of my male bosses specifically felt really uncomfortable about it," business journalist and author of Uncompete: Rejecting Competition to Unlock Success, Ruchika T. Malhotra, told me. "I had one male boss who said, 'Yes, you deserve it, but what will our other male reporters think?'"

Even after changing workplaces—a new job, a new manager, and in a new industry—the raise shaming continued. "The most egregious was when I negotiated my salary and my manager basically said that because your husband is in the technology industry (which is high paying), you don't need a raise," said Malhotra. "Hearing that was definitely a slap in the face."

While the message that you get what you ask for (or deserve) might seem empowering, Malhotra points out how it can actually work to disempower those most affected by this bias-driven backlash. "If you come in with this view that the world is meritocratic, like what matters is how good you are, how hard you work and nothing else, when you face this sort of backlash and bias, it can feel very difficult and emotionally unsettling," said Malhotra. "It could very much bring out those feelings of I don't belong here, I'm not good enough, all of that"—conditioning those who already face the most systematic discrimination (across gender identity as well as race, sexuality, ability, and other intersections of identity) to internalize it as a personal failure.

"If you come in with this view that the world is meritocratic, like what matters is how good you are, how hard you work and nothing else, when you face this sort of backlash and bias, it can feel very difficult and emotionally unsettling."

Ruchika T. Malhotra, journalist and author

"Financial shame is such a powerful and complicated thing because it can be something that you did, but it could also be something that happened to you," says Hanna Horvath, Certified Financial Planner and creator of the Your Brain on Money newsletter. "You can internalize that shame whether it's valid or not. And a lot of times it's not valid, and it changes the way that you approach your money and these kinds of decisions going forward," she adds.

Indeed, research affirms that women are given more negative evaluations, are considered less likable and are deemed less worthy of workplace opportunity when they self-promote, and it's this real increase in backlash (as opposed to a lack of confidence) that can keep them from self-promoting to the same extent in the future. In this way, the cost of raise shaming can compound, as those already most exposed to it modify their behavior to shield themselves against more of it.

What to Do If You Experience Raise Shaming

"It's really important that you don't confuse someone else's discomfort with your ambition as evidence that your request was unreasonable," says Peterman . In fact, she encourages women to continue asking for more with these biases in mind, instead of being blindsided by them. To do that, Peterman developed what she refers to as a RESET framework:

Regulate your immediate reaction and take the time to separate the emotional injury of being shamed or penalized from strategic decisions about what you should do next. "Whether it's disappointment, anger, or embarrassment—you should feel all those things," says Peterman. That said, she cautions against shame. "If you ask a legitimate question about compensation, that's not a character flaw," she says.

Examine what actually happened. What changed after the negotiation? Peterman points out that a rejected request for more is not the same thing as being shamed for asking in the first place. "If it's just a 'no,' maybe it's a 'no' to that specific ask," says Peterman, in which case, the rejection can be an opportunity to collect more information. "There's so many different ingredients that can go into that end result—reorganization, acquisition, or merger," in addition to bias, says Peterman. You may want to ask, " Can you help me understand the business reason for that decision?"

That said, if you get a "no" and suddenly find yourself uninvited to meetings, removed from projects, getting drastically different performance feedback and evaluations, excluded from previous advancement opportunities, characterized as difficult or aggressive or ungrateful, or experiencing major changes in bonuses or other compensation, you can use that information to substantiate your experience of backlash.

Save the record to create a factual timeline of what happened and document any specific changes (like those listed above). In addition to creating a contemporaneous record of events, Peterman says this process can help separate the immediate conclusions we come to in the aftermath of such shocks from the documented facts, which can lead to different determinations as we gather further insight or context.

Engage strategically to gather those additional insights, considering who may offer the best and the safest sources of information. It might be a supervisor with whom you have a good relationship, a mentor who you trust, or someone in HR who can offer a more neutral perspective or more insight into what actually drives pay and promotion decisions across the organization.

Take back your power. "It might be to negotiate in a different way or negotiate a more defined path forward. It might be to try to repair the relationship or a misconception. It may be to think about a different workplace that better recognizes that woman negotiator's value," says Peterman.

Peterman also encourages taking back your power in ways that extend beyond the specifics of any one negotiation, like sharing your experience with others, taking classes, or even creating art or pursuing other totally unrelated ventures. "Every time I meet someone who's had a setback, I encourage them to find a way to use that to bounce back so it doesn't have to be a permanent setback," she says.

"Every time I meet someone who's had a setback, I encourage them to find a way to use that to bounce back so it doesn't have to be a permanent setback."

"Strength in numbers is super important," says Malhotra, speaking to the ways in which taking back power and even shifting systems of power in and of themselves can often best be realized collectively rather than individually. "Some of the strongest changes come through solidarity, gathering with other employees, maybe even leveraging ERGs as a place to push for change," she says.

But even at the individual level, Malhotra advocates for building your own personal "board of directors" or "team of champions" that can both cheer you on and provide critical support in the face of workplace cultures that continue to subject some to far more of this backlash than others. This can advance the collective conversation that liberates more of us from internalizing this systemic bias as a personal failure, and puts the shame where it really belongs—on the organizations and institutions that continue to engage in it.

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