Mankeeping: The Hidden Reason So Many Men Struggle With Friendship After A Breakup

My friend has been frustrated lately about the emotional labor she has to carry every day in her relationship by reminding her partner to stay connected with his friends and maintain his social life — and she isn't the first person I've heard this from. A lot of my friends have confided in the past about how they're tired of being a nanny for their male partner's social life.

There's actually a word for this — it's called "mankeeping." The term describes the invisible emotional and organizational labor partners can take on to help their male partners maintain friendships and social lives. It can be as simple as reminding him to text a friend, suggesting plans or organizing the social calendar.

Steven, the boyfriend of one of my frustrated friends, has seen this dynamic play out in his own relationship as well as among his own friends. He told me that one friend's wife recently messaged him to arrange a visit after the couple had welcomed twins. Steven and his friend had been talking about getting together for months, but somehow the plan never quite materialized.

"We had mentioned it to each other and said we'd probably ask our partners but it never really came into fruition," he said. It was only when his friend's wife reached out and told him that "his friend would really appreciate a visit" that Steven actually made it happen. Steven's girlfriend is equally perplexed as to why a woman had to step in to get it done. "This is ridiculous! They need to be nanny-ed for their social life," she said.

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Victoria Wren, a BACP-accredited therapist from BetterHelp , an online therapy platform, said these patterns become particularly clear in the stories she hears from clients after major life changes. She said many people only discover how robust their friendships are when they suddenly need them, whether after leaving a long-term relationship or receiving difficult health news.

One of the clients she remembers was a man who had lost his wife. In the aftermath, he was dealing with the challenge of rebuilding his social life as an adult. He joined a pilgrimage walking group. "He came to feel he was part of a community of walkers, some of whom he had walked with and spent time getting to know and others he was yet to meet," she said. The feeling of warmth and connection stayed with him between walks. "He felt he had found a tribe of like-minded people, and this helped sustain him in his day-to-day life, where the rawness of grief was still very present."

She has also heard from clients who feel isolated after the end of a long-term relationship, only to realize that their former partner had been an important link connecting them to their wider social world. The lesson, she said, is that men need to actively invest in the friendships they want to be able to rely on.

Laurence Houde , a men's dating and relationship coach, has seen how easily a relationship can become a man's entire social world. One recent client, she said, had "strong tendency to people-please in relationships and put the woman he was with on a pedestal. He had spent so much time prioritizing his ex and the relationship that, when it ended, he realized he had lost himself along the way." His relationship had slowly become his life without him realizing it.

Houde has also seen the more direct version of mankeeping. In one case, a woman became "the social organizer for the couple. She was the one arranging dinners with his friends, planning parties, reminding him to call people and sometimes having to push him to go see his own friends." Without really intending to, she was maintaining parts of his social life for him.

Licensed psychotherapist Jack Worthy , a faculty member with Gestalt Associates in New York, has seen this dynamic play out with men in his practice, particularly when relationships end and they realize which friendships they have allowed to lapse.

"I have seen guys finish a breakup and realize they've neglected their close friendships and over-indexed on their girl's friend group," he said. Worthy connects this dynamic to what he calls "overfunctioning," when one partner takes responsibility for managing another adult's life. Worthy cautions that it can become unpaid relationship labor. "Say your partner begins to neglect his health. He eats like ****. Stops exercising. Sleep schedule goes to hell." It's encouraging to say, "Hey, you're normally so careful with your body. But you haven't been to the gym this month. Are you all right?" It's another to sign up your partner for exercise classes, cook his meals, throw away his snacks. "In the second scenario, you're taking responsibility for his life," Worthy said.

To avoid finding yourself in the same situation, Wren suggests treating friendship as something that needs its own care and attention. "Friendships can be built at any stage in life through consistent intention, attention and effort," she said. That can be as simple as reaching out to someone you trust and suggesting a coffee or a walk. She also recommends asking yourself, "Who could I feel comfortable calling if I was genuinely struggling?" The answer can reveal the difference between a social circle and a support network.