Sibling rivalry: When parents play financial favourites

Do your parents have a favourite child and give them more money, gifts or help?

Financial favouritism can cause jealousy and resentment long into adulthood and, in some cases, even spark legal disputes after a parent dies. But experts say there are strategies that can help you avoid it.

John says his parents, who have always supported his younger brother, recently refused to lend him £10,000 towards a house deposit after he broke up with his partner.

This was despite the money being "well within their financial grasp", he says.

His parents had previously given his brother a deposit to buy a home and subsidised his living expenses.

John, 47, whose real name we have changed, says he was viewed as the more academic one growing up and expected to stand on his "own two feet" financially, while his brother, 42, struggled to make his way in the world and was "coddled".

He says the favouritism has made him believe "the needs of others take precedence over my own", leaving him feeling "isolated" and affecting friendships and romantic relationships.

Forums like Mumsnet and Reddit are full of posts complaining about siblings being shown preferential treatment regarding money.

Common gripes include the amount of financial support adult children have received from their parents during their lifetime, the way inheritance is divided , and whether a sibling has supported their parents more than others .

Dr Fenia Christodoulidi, from counselling service Relate, says that disagreements about money between siblings are rarely just about the money itself.

"Financial support from parents often carries a powerful emotional meaning and some siblings tend to interpret differences in support as signs of favouritism, unequal love or a lack of recognition."

She adds that even when parents have "practical reasons" for treating their children differently, failing to communicate these clearly can "leave room for misunderstanding and resentment".

Those reasons might include an adult child needing more support because they earn significantly less, have an illness, or have to pay more to get on the housing ladder due to rising prices .

Ellis, who works in finance in London, tells the BBC that she and her siblings have had "different levels of support at different times" from their parents and it's never been a problem.

But her colleague Tasha, the youngest of seven, says her siblings have fallen out over perceived favouritism, even though she thinks her parents treat them all the same.

"I just think people sometimes get a bit uncertain or jealous and that's quite normal," says the 33-year-old.

"Sometimes people stop talking for a bit or go to process what they are feeling, and they come back together and they just hash it out."

Having "open conversations about expectations and the reasons behind decisions" can help reduce feelings of resentment about money, Christodoulidi says.

"Talking about money is verboten in my family - be it salaries or savings or financial assistance," says John.

"Any time I've tried to air my feelings my parents just become evasive so now I don't bother."

John says he is now planning his financial future on the basis he won't have any inheritance - although he expects to be asked to step in if his parents get ill or lose capacity.

He says he has a "great relationship with his brother" but feels resentment towards his parents for creating the "imbalance" between them.

Claire Webb, a solicitor and mediator at Family Solutions Now, regularly helps siblings who have disputes over inheritance and other money matters.

"One sibling might argue the other was given more money earlier on in life, say, to buy a house, and that the parents said this would be reflected in the will.

"Then the will says, 'everything should be shared equally'. So you have all of that historic feeling of unfairness being dredged up."

To avoid conflict, she says parents need to be clear with their children about what they want while they are still alive.

Siblings who do fall out should consider mediation before taking legal action, she adds. This is when a trained professional helps them remedy their problems.

The good news is, siblings who take the legal route more often than not reach an amicable solution.

"Most of the time there is a deep-down family bond - and if you can crack what started the problem they often find a way through."

Tips for resolving money quarrels between siblings

1. Recognise what's behind the row : It may be about feeling valued or treated fairly, rather than the money itself

2. Avoid making assumptions about a sibling's financial situation or the reasons behind parental decisions

3. Encourage open, respectful conversations where everyone has the opportunity to explain how they feel

4. Parents should communicate their intentions as clearly as possible, particularly if they are supporting children differently for practical reasons

5. Consider family counselling if conversations repeatedly become stuck or emotionally charged

6. Consider mediation before taking legal action in inheritance disputes.

7. Choose powers of attorney carefully: Parents usually appoint their children to oversee their care and finances if they get ill or lose mental capacity. But if there's a risk they'll fall out, they can appoint someone else including a solicitor.